2020 has been the most eventful year for me. For all of us. Honestly, I don’t think I can ever put into words just what this year had been all about, but I’m sure everyone can relate and understand what I’m talking about. The “bad” news and events first came in trickles, then in streams, and then in torrents. Never has the world been taken into such a whirlwind of disasters in so short a period of time, but at the same time…

Never have I been more aware, more reminded, and more struck that God is so big, and we are completely nothing. There’s absolutely nothing we can control or promise. We don’t even know what’s going to happen the very next second, and this is God’s more obvious warning to heed to Him. To fear Him. To reflect and examine our lives. 

Especially for Christians. 

Have we been living lives that are waiting for Jesus’ coming, or have we been living selfishly as if we are going to be in this world for a long time? Have we been obeying His Word, or succumbing to the desires of our flesh? Have we grown spiritually, or are we still babies in the faith? 

Pandemic has certainly changed my life, and me, in so many ways. 

The more obvious changes are probably experienced by many of us as well. Having to wear masks all the time as long as we’re out of the house. No big gatherings. Safe distances. A restricted way of worshipping God. A lot of recordings. Some online classes. All these and more that I may not have thought of at the moment are just the tip of the iceberg. 

On the other hand, I have changed as well. 

When the pandemic news started to surface in every social platform, my first reaction was fear and worry. I mean, this was undeniably scary even to read. Life was about to change in the most drastic of ways to which I wasn’t prepared for. Like I said, we as humans sometimes want to feel like we’re in control of our lives, or at least plan ahead and have it fulfilled as closely as possible. But now, plans became papers being crumpled and thrown into the dustbin – trash. People who were supposed to get married put their weddings on hold. FEBC graduation was put on hold as well (although, thank God, recently it was finally held(: ). Classes were suspended. Physical gathering in church was transformed into virtual worship at home. 

As restrictions became stricter and finally the circuit breaker came, we had to face the inevitable of being stuck at home. At first, I was okay. I was a homebody. I didn’t really like to go out anyway. In fact, I prided in the fact that I could probably stay at home the whole time if there weren’t any necessary things to bring me out. I was kept busy with the Daily Vacation Bible College (DVBC) online courses that we had to over the holidays after school ended. At first, it was fun being cooped up at home. I got to do many of the things I’ve been wanting to do – cook, help at home with the chores, blog, write, read, play piano, and spend more time with family.

Then slowly I rolled down a dangerously steep hill of something akin to (I don’t want to use this word) depression? Being cooped up at home with barely any contact with anyone outside slowly made me feel lousy and empty. I felt useless. I felt as if I was going about aimlessly and purposelessly. I felt so sick of this “lousy” feeling that I would sometimes not do my quiet time or not pray. I resorted to occupy with many other things except the things of God. I went to sleep troubled without anything accomplished throughout the day, except those that I really had to do. The more I tried to cheer myself up, the more sad I became. 

I just want to thank God that as my loving heavenly Father He took me out of this pit of darkness. He gave me a wakeup call through one of the DVBC lecture videos. I realized just how wrongly I was handling the situation. If I felt lousy, I shouldn’t draw myself away from God but draw even closer to Him! This was my failure during the circuit breaker. 

Thank God it’s not the circuit breaker anymore and that in Singapore, the situation is getting so much better! There are hardly any cases these days and we are able to gather back into small groups. We can have communion services for church in groups of 50 and also have our youth fellowships on Saturdays. I thank God that I’ve been revived spiritually. That dark period during the circuit breaker showed to me how close I need to be to God, especially in times of distress like this. I also learned what it means to appreciate what we are blessed with. Now that many of the things we used to enjoy (especially church!!) are taken away from us, we are more grateful for them. We continue to pray for God’s mercy upon us that one day, we can really gather back physically in church as a whole congregation to worship Him again! It may seem impossible at this point of time, but…isn’t our God the God of the impossible? We just have to pray and, to all readers out there, don’t be like me! Do draw near to the Lord. He is our only hope, joy, comfort and assurance. We shouldn’t seek for any other.  

[ Thessa Lagapa ]

^ Check out her blog here – Of Words and Thoughts! ^

#guestpost2020testimony